🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
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Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
My kitchen overserved me.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.