📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
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Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰