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My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
Q: Whatβs the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
… then, I hit the salesperson with βdo you know who my father is?β, their attitude changed after that
itβs so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell sheβs gone
– was sara even her real name?
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.