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said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
this is funnier than any friends episode
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed