You Might Also Like
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou