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[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
#SaturdayBears
βI wonder what drinking fur would be like?β
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
Wife: please donβt let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, itβs fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didnβt you?
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
I told my 14yo thereβs a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said βthey all are. Look at their eyesβ
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Marie KondΕβs method really has been magical. Iβm ridding my home of anything that doesnβt βspark joy.β
So far Iβm down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
My 4YO said, βdid you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?β and I donβt know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
King: For the last time, whatβs your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.