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My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters