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Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
I have a type: disappointing
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan