Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
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Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
How your email finds me
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]