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Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Me: I want a book for Mother鈥檚 Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven鈥檛 read yet?
Me: How dare you
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a 拢7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
I鈥檓 about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she鈥檒l stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
And that鈥檚 why you clean your room, kids.
I beg your pardon?
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
If you鈥檙e looking for an experimental couple, we鈥檙e trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
2022 will be better than 2021
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.