🤣🤣🤣🤣
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“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
This is amazing.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo