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Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Pikachu found the lost joint
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body