You Might Also Like
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
mumsnet is amazing
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.