“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
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PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Perfect
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
Storm Tropical Storm
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
When customers come in 6 hours before closing