🙅🏻
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Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Lawyer: So after the kidnapper locked you in a box, you managed to escape, fought him, then got away through a wind tunnel while being chased. Can you show the court how this happened?
Mime artist: *cracks knuckles, smiles*
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
Chip bags should be clear, show me what you want me to pay $6 for, cowards.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
They should do a Calculator App Wrapped where it shows you the dumbest calculations you did this year. Real moron stuff like 20% off 20, or 1×8, or 6+9
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
My boss called in sick of me
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
I look at how fast my boys are growing and sometimes feel sad at the thought of them moving out some day. Which immediately turns into anxiety as I think “but what if they never move out?”
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Given my tendency to overthink, it would be reasonable to expect my decisions to be better.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.