3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
馃槵
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8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it鈥檚 a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princ猫ss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
Me: why aren鈥檛 you studying?
My kid: I didn鈥檛 see you coming.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How鈥檇 he get your number?
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
who named him groot and not spruce lee
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it鈥檚 about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
Me: I鈥檒l take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out