do u think theres a butter planet?
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ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
(2022)
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.