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The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Same pineapple, same
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy