I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
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If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.