shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
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St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
(Gaming support cat.)
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.