The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
You Might Also Like
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
shampoo implies shampee
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls