Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
You Might Also Like
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Me after 1 airport cocktail: