Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
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I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this