I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
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Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
All excellent questions
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Travel bloggers during quarantine