I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
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When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you