Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
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If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
This January has 47 Mondays
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.