Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
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Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.