A double negative is a big no-no.
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Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
🦝🔥🦝🔥
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex