Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
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The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
the short answer to this question
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
when u come home smelling like another dog
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?