I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
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Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
SPLOOT
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.