Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
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You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”