Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
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She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*