I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
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*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
Hell yeah 👍
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!