If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
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Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose