[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
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Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
“I’m helping” 😅
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar