My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
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Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
War & Peace
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”