I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
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There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside