My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
You Might Also Like
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Optional boss fight.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.