*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
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I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.