[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
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friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.