You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
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THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
😲 WTF? 😆
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope