me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
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My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully