German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
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If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
how high up are we talkin’?
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
dutch so unserious
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]