The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
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Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen