What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
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I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
PER MY LAST EMAIL
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not