What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
You Might Also Like
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
💻🤡
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.