I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
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The eclipse was like April fools for birds
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
one last job
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.