celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
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My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
😂🤣😂🤣