A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
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Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
Nice try Hitler
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
What the dentist sees
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…