My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
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If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”